MOVE OVER TAJIKISTAN... PENPRICKS SUGGESTS A WORKSHOP FOR GOAN JOURNOS

It’s not that we are regressive.
We aren’t desperate guys with knives slashing all over.
We too try to look at ways in which we could improve the media scenario in Goa.
We too are inspired by the good things in life, like that training programme which was held at the Goa International Centre for journalists from Tajikistan.
In fact we have already drawn a blue print of such a programme for our Goa journos too. If these journo chappies from Tajikistan can come over here to sharpen their skills, why can’t our journos do it in their home itself?
Here are some of the details we chose to leak out to you guys from the blueprint we have prepared for the event.
We decide to call the programme: “THE ART OF SUCKING UP, WITHOUT LETTING ANYONE ELSE KNOW”
We ensured that we put a big asterisk on the invite, asking journos to read the bottom of the page, so that the message was communicated without any misunderstanding. The footnote reads.
‘WORKSHOP NOT FOLLOWED BY COCKTAIL AND DRINKS’
We were thinking that we would hold this workshop at a casino on a Sunday evening. We narrowed down on the Caravela. The casino owners would really be glad to let us have one of their gaming rooms for free because, if someone in Goa needs the media on their right side right now, its the casino lobby. We could ask someone from The Navhind Times to get this arrangement going.
For a panel of experts we thought we should try and rope in folks not just from the media, but also other walks of life. So here’s some of the names we came up with. We would also like to state here, that we did draw some inspiration from the Goa Union of Journalists here in choosing the chairman for this experts panel. GUJ generally calls politicians for this job. We followed suit.
Aleixo Sequeira chairs the panel, because few are at home in a casino as our power minister is. Beacause even though he runs a major liquor brewery, he doesn’t want his linemen to drink. Because getting him to Caravela would be easy. Because it would save him a trip to Nepal.
Ujjwal Mishra to deliver the keynote address, because his one quote is a three-column story, two quotes are a page 1 headline and three quotes are a few feet down his throat. Because this man in khaki has perfected the art of cultivating beat reporters. Because if crime reporters don’t get a story in this DIG’s cabin, they atleast get a cup of tea.
Manohar Parrikar, because he knows what it is to be the perfect media darling and the perfect media whipping boy. Because the latter phase taught him that the media is fair only when you control their pay cheques. Because he is one of the first politicians in Goa to have a direct stake in a mainstream newspaper GOADOOT.
Luizinho Faleiro, because this man virtually dictates terms at press conferences. Because he tells you what to write. Because he even gives you the adjectives. Because he is a master at cultivating journos and newspaper owners.
Dr Wilfred de Souza, because he knows the art of abusing the media and getting away with it. Because he can pass off nonsense as news and even make the dumbos who drop in at his press conferences believe so. Because he is presently out of a job.
Mickky Pacheco, because he knows how to use his fists, in case a journo crosses the line.
Arun Sinha, because he knows how to survive adversity. Because he has managed to hold on to the chair of editor even after facing charges of molestation of a minor servant in his house. Because you never know whats ticking in his mind. Because you never even see him outside his cabin and yet you see The Navhind Times out on the stands the next day.
Rajan Narayan, because he knows how to create adversity. Because if Karn (Mahabharata) was born with a kavach kundal, Rajan was born with a lifejacket. Because he was the first editor to give journalism in Goa’s its first hint of colour. Because after that first hint of promise, the colour went yellow. Because he can sell bull-shit to you. Because you still buy the same bull-shit and call it investigative, bold, fair journalism.
Raul Fernandes, because he shows more interest in a furniture store than a newspaper. Because he needs the newspaper to supports his other failing business interests. Because at least this workshop will get him back to Indian shores from the Philippines. Because like Aleixo, Raul also likes the fish and the ‘chips’.
Robin Abreu, because he has made work, simple. Because if you put his techniques into practice, you won’t need to work anymore. Because he popularised the art of plagiarism in the Goan media. Because Robin has reduced a newspaper to a rag.
Suresh Walve, because he gave up a career in Bollywood for journalism. Because during some of the innumerable times he combs his hair in office, he still has second thoughts about Bollywood. Because as editor he thinks his brief is to clear the passage from his cabin to the loo using his hips.
Uday Bhembre, because he is a former editor. Because he heads the Goa Pradesh Congress Committee think tank. Because he thinks he can think. Because he thinks thinking actually matters in the Congress.
Chandrakant Keni, because you need grease to smoothen things up. Because he can ‘fix’ anything. Because he can pass off two eulogies on the chief minister Digu and within a day and get both newspapers to publish it. Because Parkinson is not the reason why his journalism has always been wavering.
Prakash Sakhalkar, because as the owner of Café Prakash, he knows what it is to tolerate journalists. Because his café keeps journalists away from work most part of the day.
(PART II LATER)